What’s Up?: The TRUE Story

The Girlfriend

You: What’s up?
Her: I'm feeling very emotional right now, and am quite possibly suicidal. However, being a
         woman I will continue to pretend to be normal and expect you to be psychically attuned  
         enough to figure out how bad I feel. If you aren’t able to read my mind, I will get
         progressively angrier until I slap you, screaming about men and how stupid they are.

The Boyfriend

You: What’s up?
Him: I am currently imagining myself having sex with a variety of girls more attractive than you;
         however, talking to you now is making me feel guilty about those fantasies. Could you
         please go away till I’m done?

The Friend

You: What’s up?
Friend: Your girlfriend cheated on you with me last night. I'm trying to feel guilty, but I don’t.
              Why don’t we go watch a movie, and when it comes time to pay I’ll have conveniently
              left my wallet at home. You can pay for me, all the while knowing I’ll never pay you
              back, but you’re too pussy to say anything about it. No wonder your girlfriend cheated
              on you.

The Creepier Friend

You: What’s up?
Creepy Friend: I'm masturbating while covered in olive oil. On a completely different note…
                           I’m staring at a picture of you. What up with you?

The Teacher

You: What’s up?
Teacher: I may teach you in school, and perhaps even pretend to acknowledge your existence;
                however, outside school you’re just another adolescent attempting to look more
                intelligent than your three brain cells normally allow. Leave before I destroy whatever
                meaning your pathetic life still retains. 

The Parent

You: What’s up?
Parent: More money? Again?!

The Grandparents

You: What’s up?
Grandparent: I didn’t fight in the war to listen to you walking around whispering all day. What
                         happened to my cute little granddaughter? In my day a skirt that short meant I
                         should ask “How much?” Now go get a glass, it’s time to take off my dentures.

The Principal

You: What’s up?
Principal: When I was young, I used to dream of changing the world. I became a principal
                  hoping to mould the minds of young people. I discovered the job mainly involved
                  dealing with kids who laughed at me behind my back, and teachers who studiously
                  ignored my existence. I banned birthdays in school because everyone forgets mine. I
                  am currently contemplating suicide. Did you need something?