Take Note, Grammar Slackers!

The insistence of “progressive” teachers of English not to teach grammar explicitly in the classroom is the cause of the degeneration of language use among speakers of the language. There is no other explanation. Teachers are reluctant to talk about the “continuous tense” and the “auxiliary verb” out of fear of being labelled “old-school” and “conservative.” As a result, a whole legion of young English teachers has shied away from the explicit teaching of grammar, producing learners who parrot McD’s slogan “I’m lovin’ it” without knowing why they are saying it, and why it is ungrammatical.   

It is not because of pedantry that I am preaching the active learning of grammar. Learning grammatical terms and rules makes one aware of their proper usage, and more importantly, the logic of linguistics. A learner who can spot and explain the difference between “I have done” and “I did” is one who is conscious of the mechanics of the language he uses. This is an essential quality; it enables the learner to produce clear, dignified speech.

On the other hand, a learner who does not see the absurdity of “party’s” as a plural, “I’ve done my work yesterday,” and “If I would win the lottery…” is one who deserves to be derided, and if he should protest that he does not see why these things should matter, we should turn to his English teacher and give him/her a piece of our minds.

EO

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PEDANTIC GRAMMAR CORNER

When does something become conditional?

There are three conditional modes in the English language. They are all very easy and follow rigid rules:

1. If something is a fact and is likely to happen according to the laws of reality and physics, you say the following:

          If the job is too tough, I will not do it.

You suspect the job to be tough, so you have decided you may not want to do it. Note that the if-clause is in the simple present tense (is), and the one after it is in the simple future (will).

2. If something is a figment of your imagination and unlikely to happen, you say the following:

          If the world ended tomorrow, I would go out tonight and party.

It is not likely for the world to end tomorrow, so what you are stating is in fact fantastical. Note that all the verbs are now in the past tense (ended/would).

It is also possible to say:

          If the world were (not was) to end tomorrow, I would go out tonight and party.

            and

          Were the world to end tomorrow, I would go out tonight and party.

These sentences essentially mean the same thing.

3. If something has already happened or has not happened, and you regret that fact, you say the following:

          If I had known about the party, I would have come.

The fact is you didn’t know about the party (where a lot of fun was had) and you didn’t go, and now you are kicking yourself for it. Note that all the verbs are now in the past perfect tense (had known/would have come).

Extras:

Sentences that begin with “I wish” and “Suppose” work the same way:

            I wish you didn’t have to go. (The fact is the person in question has to go and you are just imagining that he/she could stay.)

I wish I had known about the party.  (See 3)

Suppose I gave you a thousand ringgit and you did what I said. (See 2. There is no way I am giving you a thousand ringgit.)

Pitfalls:

It would be ridiculous and rather nonsensical to say:

          If I were a millionaire, I will buy a Porsche.

            or

          If I had seen it coming, I would be prepared.

            or

            If it would rain, I would not go to school. (This is often said by careless English users – who are often native speakers and should know better. It is impossible to have two woulds in the same sentence, unless you are making a polite request, as in “If you would kindly show me the way, I would be most grateful.” Confused already?)

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Pedantic Grammar Corner

Why are we stumped by a little thing like the apostrophe?

You can’t read anything these days without seeing the abuse of the apostrophe. It wouldn’t surprise anyone if this little comma in suspension were to be eradicated altogether in a decade. But until that happens, let’s look at its proper usage:

1. The apostrophe indicates possessiveness.

Alan’s dog

    If it is a plural noun, the apostrophe comes after the noun.

The parents’ complaint

2. The apostrophe is used to contract pronouns and their verbs to be/have, and negatives.

          It is = it’s

          They have = they’ve

          Cannot = can’t

It therefore makes no sense to write “your” when you mean to say “you’re (you are) an idiot.” Can you tell the difference between “it’s” and “its”?         

3. The apostrophe is never used to indicate the plural forms of acronyms/abbreviations.

          CDs              CD-ROMs

          DVDs           the 80s

It makes even less sense to write “Oreo’s” when you mean you can wolf down a bunch of these cookies.

Needless to say, if you think “she read’s” and “the cat lick’s itself” are grammatical English, you still haven’t got the point.

Why this common misuse of the apostropshe? I blame SMS, Facebook and sheer laziness.

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